archive - issue 18
Ross Ian Fleming devotes his days to testing Telecoms software, satisfying his wife’s need for fast food, and educating his three kids. At night, however, he dreams of Poetry. He has written six small volumes of poems, all available on Amazon Kindle
Although occasionally inhabiting an imaginary land beyond description, in reality he lives in Cape Town, South Africa, the next best thing in the chain of being.
He has published work in Itch and New Coin and has won 3 online writing competitions at the SA Writers College over the past 10 years. Also see Slipnet for more.
anyways so I corner Dave an' engage him in sum rad eye play my hypnotic gaze doin' things fo him an' I say those three vertical lines yo got there - they copyright! - they reprezent the three wiseguys an' the star an' betlehem an' all dat's good an' true an Dave's got tears in his eyes an he's slappin' my back like a goddam two-stroke an he say Smokin' Moses yo got sumthing there yo seein' the light an' I'm seriously pissed off at this thumpin' but thank bejesus he's stopped an' I'm takin' the credit doin' the humble shit shuffle.
anyways so Dave look sideways at the three vertical lines then turn them upside down I kid yo not an' lookin' like he's on sumthin' an he say smokey my friend ya godda listen good cos I gonna say this once like when baby jayzuss come into yo life yo never be the same honest injun - an I'm tryin' not to laugh on account of its krismuss eve an I ain't darkened the door of a church since it all went black no yo slick doos not 1994 I'm talkin' bout amnesia yeah one day I wake up behind the skip next to Mcdonalds an I remember vokol my shoes stolen my ID gone an' Ballz askin' me why I talkin' in that funny accent I say I forgot who I am now will yo shut yo cakehole I got the mother of all hangovers - so Ed passes me a joint an' say remember to inhale an' I hope yo like the sad sorry tale o' my life.
faaark... but today's Dave's day off krismuss eve remember an I recommend to him get pissed roll around with sum tail celebrate the holiday but no Dave godda come talk religious shit with me. The three wiseguys wus the only dudes with insight in the whole friggin' book they see the babe an they get outta there like its nappies an its bathtime an its hysterical wimmen an its depraved sleep no I don need that crap. Yo godda put yo hand in the hand Dave sings off pitch an I'm hoping for a krismuss box on account of putting up with this stuff so I join in an Dave got his convert for the Ram's Book of Life an I excuse myself head back to the skip where Ballz is snorin' an' Ed contemplatin' his navel thinkin' up modes of attack for the pavement beat I suppose.
So it's fuckin' krismuss eve an the downline lookin' not too good with neighborhood watch an' his mongrel lurkin' below an I need to take sumthin an I'm searchin' behind the cardboard boxes when I hear a voice hang on but my names not Ballz voices is not my problem an there's a baby's foot stickin' out an' I look along an' blow me over with a fart but there's a whole baby attached to it - holey cow there's a cord too an' her breathin' like a death rattle an' I go into rescue mode yeah yo remember when I had my eye on Nurse Riley an' they wus doin' rest an' resuscitation an' I hoped to get down on those sweet hooker lips but all I got was a plastic friggin' doll an' a three hour lecture by sum dude from home affairs. faaark...
anyhow so as I say I snap into rescue mode an' its cardiac massage an' breathin' an' countin' amazing what yo can do when yo stuck an' the death rattle gettin'easier an' I seem to recall sumthin' 'bout cuttin' the cord so I grab my trusty swiss army bastard with the scissors extension an' I han'le a quick spot of surgery an' Ed supplies the twine he blowin' smoke in the baby's face I say yo absolut asshole can't yo see what yo doin' to the chile get outta here now fuck off an Ballz eyes comin' out on stalks I do believe he smilin' an I cuddle the little piece an' blow me down if she don' fart at me an' drool comin' onto my hand but I don mind an' holy moley but we got three wiseguys an a baby jesus on krismuss eve an fuck me sideways if we ain't a happy lil family - faaark...
Well evenin' comes an' Dave the saviour of the world come by to get more of a reaction about the friggin' three straight lines an' I say Dave my man yo godda pull sum strings this piece need a father an' I'm the one to do it an' Dave say we all need a Space of Grace an Ed is noddin' thoughtfully or mebbe he's dropped off an' Ballz gazin' into the sky an' I say Dave how we gonna do this an' I'm suddenly getting' all wetted up an there's tears from heaven an' I say Dave I need jesus an right there I pray the sinner's prayer holey jayzuss I godda look arter this little piece an' god alone knows how I gonna do that for chrissakes help me o lord its hard to be humble an all the trees o' the field be clappin' there hands swing low sweet chariot an Dave look me in th' eyes sayin' the most precious three words I ever did hear I remember like it were yesterday he say Happy Krismuss Smokin' Moses an I do believe the baby laughs right there an all I knew arter that were a huge shinin' light... faaark...