Interrogator: Good evening Ms Dos Santos. I have been led to believe that you are the racist model who has vowed to mend her ways.
Suspect: Who are you?
Interrogator: I’m a complicated man, and no one understands me but my woman.
Suspect: So what do they call you for short?
Interrogator: John. You must be as racist as your tweet if you don’t know who I am.
Suspect: I’ve never seen you before in my life.
Interrogator: Have you ever seen a nigger before in your life? Sorry, kaffir, to use your term.
Suspect: I have black friends. I’m not a racist.
Interrogator: Or were we all maids and garden boys while you were growing up?
Suspect: What I tweeted was wrong. I understand that.
Interrogator: So we don’t all look alike in your beautiful blue eyes? Have a good look at this mug: is it Richard Roundtree or Samuel L. Jackson?
Suspect: I don’t know who those people are.
Interrogator (whistles in disbelief): Then let’s start with what you know Ms Dos Santos: You know that the kaffir you “took on [was] arrogant and disrespectful”. Would you care to offer your description of a humble, respectful kaffir?
Suspect: No one is a k ... it’s a terrible word and I would appreciate it if you’d stop saying it.
Interrogator: That’s certainly a kinder response than “Josephine” or “Gladstone”, but according to Roydon’s university English dictionary, it is not a terrible word. Do you know what kaffir means Ms Dos Santos?
Suspect: So you’re just going to keep throwing it around?
Interrogator: “Kafir, kaffir, kaf’ėr, n. A member of the most important dark race in S. Africa.” Almost sounds respectful doesn’t it Ms Dos Santos?
Suspect: How old is that dictionary?
Interrogator: Oh, about as old as you. What’s the matter? Isn’t that how your mum and dad talk?
Suspect: Leave my parents out of this. They don’t even know what Twitter is.
Interrogator: But they made sure their daughter knew what a kaffir is.
Suspect: What else must I do to make this right? I already wrote a letter to that DA guy. I even had breakfast with that Tshidi chick. Isn’t it enough that my sponsors cut me off? What more do you want from me?
Interrogator: “I now intend to mend my ways and ensure that I restore the trust of all South Africans ... this needs to become a healing process of uniting the nation back to where we were a week ago. Tshidi, I am appealing to you to embrace this opportunity and walk this road jointly with me. I know in my heart that you too don’t harbour the hatred that you displayed on Twitter in response to my ludicrous and irresponsible tweet. Together we can do a great deal for our nation.” Those your words?
Suspect: Of course they are!
Interrogator: Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Interrogator: You watch boxing Ms Dos Santos?
Suspect: What does that have to do with anything?
Interrogator: Put your balls on ice, I’m trying to make a point. You see, it doesn’t matter what you pretend to be ‘cause when your back’s against the ropes, you forget what you learnt in the gym. If you’re an inside-man you’ll brawl, if you’re an out-boxer you’ll run. You see the 3D puzzle I’m putting together here?
Suspect: I think my granny tried to tell me something similar.
Interrogator: Your gran was a fan of boxing?
Suspect (laughs): No, she just used to say that a woman is like a teabag: put her in hot water and her true nature comes out.
Interrogator: Your gran was a wise woman. What happened to you?
Suspect: I don’t know. Maybe the brains skipped a generation.
Interrogator: That would explain why your mother is a bigot but it doesn’t let you off the hook. Another blonde bimbo: that about sum you up?
Suspect: Show me the engineering student that makes it into FHM, and I’ll show you a girl that no one wants to fuck.
Interrogator: You better have a personality by the time you hit 30 'cause you won’t get by on a tight ass for the rest of your life. So that’s your MO: “Every man wants to fuck me”?
Suspect: You would fuck me John. Wouldn’t you?
Interrogator: The day you go bald and grow a 9-inch dick is the day you get to ask me questions little girl.
Suspect: It’s what you all want.
Interrogator: Us kaffirs or us men?
Suspect: Take it how you want or don’t take it at all.
Interrogator: I’m guessing you would be the expert on taking things?
Suspect: I’m an expert on men ...
Interrogator: On men, under men, in front of men, what? I’m guessing you’re an expert on kaffirs too, them not even being men and all?
Suspect: So now I’m a racist, a bimbo and a slut? All from one tweet? Good thing I didn’t go and Facebook the post or I might have been burning at the stake already.
Interrogator: You don’t know what it’s like to be discriminated against do you Ms Dos Santos? You’ve always sort of been God’s favourite?
Suspect: I feel white guilt if that’s what you’re asking, even if it’s only sometimes. I’m happy not to have been born a child soldier in Sierra Leone but that can only keep you going for so long.
Interrogator: No one is born a child soldier Ms Dos Santos; you are forced to become one by killing your family. Is it alright if I ask you a question?
Suspect: Since when did interrogators need permission?
Interrogator: I’m giving you the opportunity to say no.
Suspect: You’ve been a barrel of laughs so far. Please keep it coming.
Interrogator: Can you believe that a man my age was slapped by a girl your age for being black in the wrong place?
Suspect: Of course. We invented apartheid remember? What I want to know is, did you slap her back?
Interrogator: What do you think Ms Dos Santos?
Suspect: I think you did not want to explain to Constable Viljoen why you put your hands on a white woman. I also think you didn’t want to share the backseat with his German Shepherd.
Interrogator: So you’re aware of just how well protected your privilege is?
Suspect: It’s my job to be aware darling. Wouldn’t you if you were a little black girl in a land full of hostile whites?
Interrogator: It seems you’re not as daft as you let on little girl. There’s an article in the Times which would have you believe that the IQs of women are now higher than men’s.
Suspect: We’ve always been smarter. Being the gentler sex we let you believe that you were.
Interrogator: Since you’re so smart, answer me this: what do you get when a chicken humps a cat Ms Dos Santos?
Suspect: A blonde chick with a nice pussy?
Interrogator: In other words, you.
Suspect: Sorry, it’s just that I’ve heard that one before.
Interrogator: Why did you do it Ms Dos Santos? Why did a higher-up have to stoop so low? Was it to remind the black man of his place?
Suspect: Don’t tell me you don’t call coloureds dushis, Indians kulas, and whites whatever you call us behind our backs. I was just stupid enough to slip up in public.
Interrogator: I call you honky, cracker, whitebread, pig, and I don’t think there’s a race alive that doesn’t call you the devil.
Suspect: Spade, spick, jig, coon. Not so nice when the shoe is on the other foot John?
Interrogator: Don’t you think you’ve been caught doing enough name calling lately?
Suspect: If you can dish it out you should be able to take it John.
Interrogator: I thought we were friends but there you go hurting my feelings: calling niggers coons on Madiba’s birthday?
Suspect: Oh, so it’s his birthday? Not that I would know.
Interrogator: That’s right: July 18th is International Madiba Day and today the man who saved your skins turns 94. I think he was being released roundabout the time you were born. Have you no shame? Have you no gratitude? Or is he just another kaffir who doesn’t know his place?
Suspect: I told you I didn’t know and would you please stop using that word!
Interrogator: So you do have some sort of respect for the man?
Suspect: He’s the world’s most loved man. In today’s world, there could be no better inspiration from one human being.
Interrogator: Wow! That actually sounded sincere. So why – sorry, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this – here is a man who walked out of prison after 27 years of lost life and shook the hand of the first white person he encountered: a journalist if I remember correctly, I think his name was Battersby. A man who convinced whites they would not have to pay in kind for the oppression that happened in their name, and yet still? Still?
Suspect: We call people kaffirs.
Interrogator: That’s the first time you’ve said it since you walked in here. Am I getting through to you?
Suspect: I’m not made of stone John. My heart is red like yours.
Interrogator: Thank you Ms Dos Santos.
Suspect: Can I go now?
Interrogator: I think we’re done here, but before you go, let me ask one more question: what is so white about the Great White Shark?
Suspect: I don’t know. I’m not the spokesman for the whole white race.
Interrogator: I apologise. It just irks me that the most terrifying creature in the ocean can be named for its underbelly. It’s great alright but it certainly ain’t white. Most of the thing is charcoal or whatever that colour is, so why not call it the Great Grey Shark? Maybe it’s 'cause the white man is also a terror from the sea.
Suspect: That’s actually quite deep.
Interrogator: As deep as the ocean, but it seems your team has grown weary of its mascot. There’s talk of lifting its status as a protected species all because of a few dumb Australians on the west coast. I’d snack on you too if you blundered into my domain. We all know what happens when a moth flies into a spider’s web but no one goes around blaming the spider. White people are crazy. Crazy and arrogant. Lord have mercy on your poor souls. Ever read Bitches Brew Ms Dos Santos?
Suspect: I’d rather watch the movie, if there is one. And I thought you were only going to ask one more question.
Interrogator: Forgive me my lady. You have me at a disadvantage there. Your company is addictive so just bear with me. “When the white man came to Africa ... it is said he had the Bible, and we Africans had the land. He asked us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened our eyes, we had the Bible, and he had the land – and the gun just in case.”
Suspect: I thought we’d made progress.
Interrogator: You’re right and I’m sorry for bogging you down, I just needed to get that one off my chest. You’re not a bad person, ignorant maybe but life will make sure you don’t die that way. You’re free to go Ms Dos Santos. There is hope for you yet.